March 11, 2006

Inevitable changes.

I had it coming. I knew it the moment I opened my notebook. It was exam time. and this time I knew there was no hope. I tried. I tried hard to learn n understand as much as i can. but again time was against me. I had n have NO 1 to blame. My fault. My mistake. And I am not going to fall to my knees and pray for mercy. I am going to set things RIGHT. Myself.

As an safe measure I have done a few things:
1.) Switchin off my phone during evening hours
I am a sms junkie.. or watever u call ppl who do 60 smss an hour or more.. wit real easy. I think that has been really a big factor in me spending time chattin wit friends and not studyin when I should've been.
2.) Keeping the net down.
again.. a chat machine. I chat almost as much as I talk. tat too takes ... no ..EATS away at my time. Cut tat down by a big margin.
3.) the BIGGEST one o em all - Uninstalled UT.
for those who dunno... some o my friends say - its more important to me than water or fresh air. ..well not TAT important. but it was like a part o me. A part o me tat makes me calm. Playin used to take away all my anger, it used to ease my pain. my drug.
but i think too much o anything wud, infact, harm me... any1 for tat matter. It has. BIG time. I used to like play 3-4 games a day. easily adding up to 2 hrs.. including the chat for server address.. map selection, chat in game, waiting times, server rehosting due to lag, practice session before match. There.. 2 hours a day for gaming when i barely had time to do my daily portions.

I sleep by 10-10.30 .. or max 11. I mite sit up late if i am chattin wit my friends. else no. I dont, DEFINITELY , study after 10 pm. So the only time I have is 7-9 when I am home. and i am not allowed to sit infront o the comp after 10.30 usually. so there u go.. do the math. I HAVEN'T BEEN STUDYIN A WORD. since jan.

the end result - i failed in 4 outta 6 papers. My WORST performance. one tat i am DEFINTELY NOT proud off. I have never been this bad at exams. mainly its cuz I am a person who grasps topics easily and to get a pass or even 60% .. i need to jus pay attention to class lectures. atleast tats the way its been for the last 18 yrs .. since i started my LKG. 18, is it? aah.. anyways. ( i havent failed a year yet.. so make the correct count.. :P) ..
.. and this is exactly the reason for my poor performance THIS sem. never been payin attention to class. distracted. and upset over few things.

Now, watever has happened has happened. I am glad my parents and teachers have been really supportive of me and are helping me get over all this. I have started studying. really.
today i am taking a break. Sitting down. reading a book - "the case for faith". My friend gave this to me. Seems like she felt there were a few things wrong in my "god blog". Interesting book. Jus 40 pages into it. I already have a few questions of my own.. tat I think the author has missed out on. Maybe he does indeed asks those q's and find answers. Let me see. YEAH!.. I WILL BLOG abt tat after I am thru. Expect tat one by 9th o april.

Listening to "I still havent found wat i am looking for" by u2. Nice song. Neat, meaningful lyrics. I dunno .. having this addiction to lyrics these days. Been listenin to rather more o soft songs than my usual dose o heavy metal. I am changing all over. and I am only happy tat I am doing it myself. Have understood my mistakes, learnt em, now correcting the same.

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
- U2.

btw, I WILL be back in gaming the DAY my final year exams are over. and I am going to raise hell.

: ) > -
the >:) signing off.

March 2, 2006

Breakpoint function

So, are you breathing

Wake up, are you alive
Will you listen to me
I'm gonna talk about some freaky shit now
Someone is gonna die
When you listen to me
Let the living die, Let the living die

(voices - disturbed)

Frustration! anger.. i dunno what i am feeling...

Nothin has been rite for a few days now.. horrible weather... UNBELIEVABLY UNUSUALLY BORING CLASSES ... bad time all around.. ( a few things i am not mentioning here as well)... and today was another BLEAAAAGRRH of a day.. my god.. going totally insane...

Push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I am today...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...

Perfect! ... I am going insane.. life aint fair... ya.. many mite say its not.. and tat we have to fight it.. watever.. true.. but this isnt JUS UNFAIR.. its GROSSLY unfair... NOW don ask me why... i am fixing it up...

there is another blog i am workin on... tat wil come up later..
this one is jus to put my anger out...

today went playin ... MY god.. i dunno.. FRIGGIN ADL or STUPID NEW MICROSOFT KEYBOARD... it JUS WUDNT respond even as much as my prev broken keyboard wud (which i had used.. no... slammed around for the last 2 years) ...

then another thing - the STUPID MORONIC OFFICE Staff wont get me my marklists attested. okai.. the reason - simply put - for my GRE thingy...

then the bus strikes.. omFg.. all this is CRAZY.. wat the hell is wrong wit everything??

me all off the hook... pray no1 comes arguing wit me over the net now... atleast for today... else he/she is a goner... :| ...

(yup.. this one is very random ... and i usually don lose my cool... but rite now.. i have no idea wat i am abt to do the very next second... )

All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the thing I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

Rarely i am like this... and its not going good... not helping...

oh well.. jus a blog to release the madness..


Can't you imagine how good going through this will make you feel
I promise, no one will ever know
There will be no chance of you getting caught
They never loved you anyway
So come on, be a man

NO.. i am rarely like this..... :-<

And do what I are compelled to do