Inside a gamers mind..

August 8, 2006

July 21, 2006

A Music Tag...

I 've been wanting to do this for a long time.. and ever since GDP had tagged me, and its abt my musical tastes..

done using a database from last.fm . a free site that automatically logs ur music. jus sign up :D

this is my link: Me, My Music

Right now listening to Kasz and Beal - Mortal Kombat mix. \m/ ^_^ \m/

okies .. now to my list, as of 23rd July 2006.

These are the questions the Tag requires me to answer:

1.What was the first song you ever heard by 6?

A. Keith Urban's - Tonight I wanna cry

2.What is your favourite album of 2?

A. Escapology

3.How many times have you seen 4 live?

A. Pink Floyd? Never.. :-<

4.What is your favourite song by 7?

A. Stand up for the champions

5.What is your favourite lyric that 2 has sung?

A. Angels

when I’m feeling weak
and my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
and I know ill always be blessed with love
and as the feeling grows
she breathes flesh to my bones
and when love is dead
I’m loving angels instead

and through it all she offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call she wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead

6.What is your favourite song by 9?

A. Demon Speeding. Something abt that song can be observed when u see me driving down the highway wit my car.. >:)

7.How did you get in to 3?

A. My cousin once asked me abt my tastes in music.. his friends were along wit him when i mentioned the names like maiden, limp bizkit n all.. this was in 11th.. those guys made me listen to Du Hast. been a Rammstein-er ever since ...

8.What was the first song you heard by 1?

A.This is the new sh*t started listening to this group when i was really bored .. but after that.. realised what i've missed.. goodness. these guys rock!!

9.What is your favourite song by 4?

A. Coming back to life

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

10.How many time have you seen 9 live?

A. ROFL .. zombie? NA! havent been lucky enough to see em in action...

11.What is a good memory you have concerning 2?

A. "I am loving angels instead".

12.Is there a song of 8 that makes you sad?

A. Yes - "It Hurts". Thats one senti song..

13.What is your favourite album of 5?

A. Havent been lucky enough to get ALL of ONE album. Have a mixed collection and what ever I have - I am sure - In Flames DOESNT disappoint. OWNZ!!

14.What is your favourite lyric that 3 has sung?

A. Rammstein?? =)) .. I dont really follow German... but I love it for the feeling it gives.. the adrenaline rush is too much! .. anyways, for the record - Feuer Frei.

15.What is your favourite song of 1?

A. Personal Jesus.

16.What is your favourite song of 10?

A. Running Free/The Clairvoyant/Hallowed Be Thy Name/Judgement of Heavens/ Fear of the dark.

I cant decide b/w these..

17.How many times have you seen 8 live?

A. Havent seen any .. I hope they come to India or I get a flight to UK at the right time.. :D

18.What is your favourite album of 1?

A. Again - a collection of songs.. no album as such..

19.Is there a song of 3 that makes you sad?

A. ROFLMAO!! Rammstein makes NO1 sad.. O_o...

20.What is a great memory you have considering 9?

A. AHHA... - 15+ kms of uninhibited nh47 .. The songs - Demon Speeding, Devil Man, 2 Lane Blacktop, and Never gonna stop. Road almost empty, the highway police doesnt usually patrol this section, got the car to a blistering 125kmph.. muhahaha.. sounds crazy, aint it? Loved it... one helluva memory for a car lover who has to statisfy his need for speed wit a wagonR and indian roads. :D ..

now all ya music lovers head for last.fm .. and do this blog.. if u dont have a blog.. start one!

:)>-
neo.

July 9, 2006

In the end..

Date: 10th July

"I want to have the same last dream again,
The one where I wake up and I'm alive.
Just as the four walls close me within,
My eyes are opened up with pure sunlight.
I'm the first to know,
My dearest friends,
Even if your hope has burned with time,
Anything that's dead shall be re-grown,
And your vicious pain, your warning sign,
You will be fine.

Hey ohhh,
Here I am,
And here we go,
Life's waiting to begin. "

~ Angels and Airways.

That ones for all o my batchmates, my friends.

The day came.. and now its like the aftermath of a war. Sadness, terrible loss, tears, n more tears.. thats wat I see around me.

Yday was like the LAST day all of us were together.. @ our friends wedding @ ICC, Le Merdian. The emotions running outta control. We wont be the same again, ever. the day we all feared the most - the day the 66 went in 66 different ways. some left yday, some today, some tomm.. within a week - there wont be a 66, not even a 6. The most cruel game of life.. as the saying goes - Love makes us come together and then makes us part. Time does this wit ruthless precision. Yes, I am upset. dead upset. The memories jus flow. I dont cry .. Its not my way. but I cant seem to speak to any1. thats why I am blogging. But maybe that one odd tear escaped my eyes yday..

A day that began wit me really wanting to drive all around the city wit my friends, ended up wit every1 in tears and me - loudly silent. After having a scene wit even guys crying for they were all going separate ways that day, cant blame em for being such good friends can u? .. from there, bidding good-byes to all i could find, me n 13 o us headed off to wellington island to jus spend sometime in the quite sea front there. We spend around 2 quiet hours, spliting up into smaller groups at times.. then grouping up, sharing all the thoughts. Then we headed off to barista.. but had to head to the see-off point. I rather not explain the scene. 'Upsetting' is an understatement.

When i came here- never expected to get so close to ppl. This place, for being a real pain at times, my class - made me realise wat life is about. and now i'm having to part wit it. But like the saying goes - "C'est la vie".

My turn to bid farewell is jus coming .. withing 5 days. O_O .. NOW - that number - I JUST realised that .. holy hell!!

oh well.. its jus this phase - going thru this...

Will it ever happen again? Could time run backwards someday? I dont believe or wish for such things to happen.. but now I find myself wishing so.

oh well.. cant seem to get the words.. have always had the problem of getting the words when I need em the most -

anyways...

Date: 15th July
Time: 1930 hours

I am rite now at the webworld.. they 've all left.. suddenly feels so empty.. I think of calling one o em up.. then i realise .. there is no1 around. each one somewhere now.. :(

This is the toughest phase i guess.. am not thinking.. not able to .. now i want to join infosys.. want to be wit them.. but.. my fault - had i cleared the paper.. i wud 've been on that bus now..

no.. i wont regret this.. i wont let this break me.. but the pressure seems to be too much.. crushing me each time i feel upset - JUST that one bit..

Lost in time.. lost in thought.. lost in emotions i've never felt before.. I have to survive thru this.. pull thru without them.

This one is for all em - they know who they are..

miss ya.

luv,
neo.

June 7, 2006

One of those really good fwds..

I just got this as a fwd.. .thought I should share this wit u ppl..

one o the best fwds I 've ever got. Perhaps I like it cuz I can relate myself to most of those lines.
:)>-
n3o.

June 1, 2006

A bl0g.

AAAHHH....2/3 weeks to university exams and we still dunno when our exam will start, for sure. My results came out. disappointing 63%. tho i cleared everything. now my total is jus a shade below or dead on 68%. Infosys cut off. oh well.. thats the least of the thoughts troubling me.

I really dunno why I am typing this out now. Guess its cuz I don 've any1 to talk, at the moment. Went for a small get-together today noon. me n 5 o my schoolmates. it was different this time. Old memories n stories were in the air...[ along wit the smell of the curries.. (sri krishna inn.. ;)) )]. recollecting on wat n how the schooling days were like. Wow.. it was amazing. like taken back in time. thinking of how it all got us where we are now. 5 outta 6 today have been studying there since 1st std. and outta the 5 .. and 2 o us have been in the same class since 1st! tho he has never been the really close to me. well.. tats not important anymore. Nostalgia.. After we all were talking abt it.. I could very well remember every damn year oh-so-clearly!.

Now I am thinking of the last 4 years. which, along wit my 11th n 12th, is all i really want to rememeber. the years before em - lets jus say - there is nothing to be really "aah.. wow.. yeah.. tat was fun" abt. Coll life has changed me a lot. my character.. n even how i look .. my schoolmates on orkut couldnt even recognize me from my pic.. :)). and few o em had a shock when they met me today.. they were meeting me after a LONG time.. hehe.

I have already posted abt these years I guess.. simply amazing. the last few months have been of my college.. since feb - will never forget em. It has changed everything for me. The entire class has changed. I can say tat our class has by far been one o the best my coll has ever had. as a batch - we are >>>> than our juniors.. (nothin against them, jus a fact.. and i am giving a general opinion. not picking any1 in specific. there are prodigies in various fields among the juniors) .. but collectively we are a much livelier n joyful group. even considering the seniors - must say - they were really an awesome batch .. we were jus good enough to take their best n improve upon it.

Abt my class... this is how - 1st year - I joined my batch after getting an option to do so. i was in the applied electronics batch for 1 week.. from the day I entered 2002.ec batch - I could see the division of groups in the class. Quite a bad one - merit quota students n mgmt seat students. Quite a sad sight - the front rows n the back rows had virtually now friendly connections. I still dunno how it was among girls.. tho it wouldnt matter.

I was stuck b/w two worlds.. I had joined on merit quote.. wit the rank 518. ( i think logitech somehow found abt it.. and renamed their newer mx version to mx518 .. :P ). back to the topic - I found it real weird.. as my mind wasnt in tune wit those amongst the merit guys/gals .. they were all wat ppl wud call "padipist" and the ones who dont really enjoy "college life". my friends were all amongst those in the mgmt .. and quite frankly i found the company better.. and more lively. Me n 2 or 3 o us were like the bridge b/w the 2 groups. (tho the groups existed - it was mutually exclusive.. no enemity). Then the group structures changed.. here n there..

This was so till .. umm.. say - the 3rd year - till we had gone for our trip to mangalore, coorg. Things started to change. the groups started to disappear. relationships changed. The entire class was starting to work as a single unit. The change can only be felt.. atleast, I dunno how to type it out. And come final year.. our class now has no internal groups, tho some ppl are closer to certain others .. etc etc.. tats not the point anyway. now there is a seamless connection b/w all o em.

This change from groups to a single group - EC, make our class different from the rest where the reverse is wat is seen. tho AE is very similar.. but tat wud be wit due thanks to the fact that the 95% o the class are guys.. ( :P .. jus friendly competition i should say.. EC > AE :D). But our class has a 3rd o girls and still the count seems so meaningless.. the "oneness" is somethin to be felt. The teachers agree as well. Any1 who has seen us together know how it is. >:D< EC!

well .. tats it I guess. I 'll be doing a take on each o my classmates as i get time.. i have to get back to my studies now.. 4 modules is todays target. 2.5~3 done. need to finish the rest.

here is to the best group any1 could ever be in.. RASET.EC.2002 batch pwnz ALL!
will never forget this last sem .. not a minute of it..
love ya,

n3o.:)>-

May 18, 2006

A light in the middle of the dark tunnel??

Exams OVER! .. atleast the internals... jus one set o exams remain between me n end o my engg life.. studies will continue..

have 3 days o complete freedom here.. waiting for my friend sahil to reach cochin. me n quite a few o us have planned to have a complete blast for these days.. for there wont be a chance like this again.

I needed something to break free with... my way out - UT! Reinstalled it back for jus 4 days. and IT FEELS SO DAMN GOOD.. HELL YEAH! I play not jus for the fun.. but also to let out all tat aggression .. even when i am feeling down.. this helps .. and now i feel way too good! was feeling sick n tired o coll n exams n studies all throughout..
jus letting myself free ...

"reclaiming my life"!!

played like 10 games.. jus lost one... need to clear tat one game as well.. tat i will! gdp - moi waiting! >:)

tats it for now!
adios
:)>-

n3o.

May 3, 2006

Over and.... out. :(

Times come n gone... its officially over.. the farewell. Tho its jus been 2 weeks or so .. seems like a lot has happened and its like 4 years.. damn! My internal exams got over yday.. suddenly there is nothin to do! (yes..univs are there.. but tats all a month later) ..

:(

April 11, 2006

Evident Changes

"
Sure, if we change our perspective
Im certain I will change today
Im certain it will change our ways
When things fall into place

I want you to lead me
Take me somewhere
Dont want to live in a dream one more day
"

- In Flames - Come clarity

this blog was written a long time ago.. never completed it... now i am finishing this one..

this was the me till a few weeks ago..:

An attempt to explain why people like me are so engrossed in gaming.......

I dunno how successful this wud be... well.. for those who don know ( :P ) ... i am pretty much into hardcore gaming... and have reached a pretty decent level compared to rest.. and really good compared to the players in the country. okie, tat aside, why did i get hooked into a simple, ... COMPUTER game?

its somethin every1 is askin me... its something a few a****** make fun o me with. i don care wat they say. i love playing Unreal Tournament 2004 and wil continue playing it til the next version is released.

oh and some say its kiddish/childish to be playin a comp game when u are 21... lol... fools. :|. let me explain why a game .. a game based on the simplest ideas - kill ur opponents more number o times than he/she takes u out, can be so engrossing as to have made me play it for the past 1.5 years or so...

a small intro in to wat UT2k4 is all about - its a FIRST PERSON view based SHOOTER game where 2 or more players are put into a closed area - which is called a map/arena. all u have to do is aim n shoot. the map has, located in certain areas, armour, health, weapons, ammo etc.. the player can move, jump , look up n down, sideways all tat...

now stil the question remains - WHY 1.5years, rite??
quote from the book - Jonathan Livingston Seagull -
"Heaven is not a place, Heaven is not a time, Heaven is BEING PERFECT".

tat ONE line says it all... a game tat looks so simple offers SO much ...SO MUCH variations in the way it can be played by a player... defense/offense, shoot using 10 + different weapons each havin a unique property which can do max damage to ur opponent while u take the least.. then there is the choice of movement... the variations are beyond a layman's imagination. then there is the art of perfecting the aim, movement, strategy, using the sound to locate ur prey,

----------------------
this is the me NOW.
----------------------

completing the statement - its an art to be able to play we ppl do. its a skill that demands so much......... so much .. it made me lose so much. :( .. I am lost. I wudnt know why... I have quit gaming till my univs are over. I was really getting to level so different... for except SS, I was giving every1 a run for their money.. its not the scores tat tell the story. its the way i used to destroy my opposition wit surgical accuracy... (or docs wud start saying - we operate patients wit headshot-everytime-accuracy ; )) ). Gunner knows this.. Stryker knows this.. Darth Duttan knows this... Korn knows this.. spawn, snake.. name em .. any1 who has played me recently knows - one death is enough - game is almost over. SS cud feel the sting tho i never really got around to beat him. I AM NOT DISS-ing out at any1. we are among the best our nation can offer in this game. (this is jus frustration i am taking out .. )..

But the gamer in me still exists. Sharp, focused, honest, in the face, passionate. I spend my time driving around, biking, chatting wit friends over sms, proj work. studies are improving slowly. .

Why did i get here...? ( Why / )Was gaming the reason for me being in this position. I doubt it. But ran outta options. Life was punishing me too much for reasons I cant seem to understand. and i am not able to write abt the actual reason i started typing out the post.

but - Gamers will be gamers. a different breed. ppl who are actually more normal, more human than ppl who who don play. this is for sure. there is no questioning it. U cant.

" I know I've got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too and
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can but
Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too
Right inside your skin
……..

The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me"

- Linkin Park - Papercut.

Stil searching for reasons... for all thats been happening.

:)>-
Suraj.

March 11, 2006

Inevitable changes.

I had it coming. I knew it the moment I opened my notebook. It was exam time. and this time I knew there was no hope. I tried. I tried hard to learn n understand as much as i can. but again time was against me. I had n have NO 1 to blame. My fault. My mistake. And I am not going to fall to my knees and pray for mercy. I am going to set things RIGHT. Myself.

As an safe measure I have done a few things:
1.) Switchin off my phone during evening hours
I am a sms junkie.. or watever u call ppl who do 60 smss an hour or more.. wit real easy. I think that has been really a big factor in me spending time chattin wit friends and not studyin when I should've been.
2.) Keeping the net down.
again.. a chat machine. I chat almost as much as I talk. tat too takes ... no ..EATS away at my time. Cut tat down by a big margin.
3.) the BIGGEST one o em all - Uninstalled UT.
for those who dunno... some o my friends say - its more important to me than water or fresh air. ..well not TAT important. but it was like a part o me. A part o me tat makes me calm. Playin used to take away all my anger, it used to ease my pain. my drug.
but i think too much o anything wud, infact, harm me... any1 for tat matter. It has. BIG time. I used to like play 3-4 games a day. easily adding up to 2 hrs.. including the chat for server address.. map selection, chat in game, waiting times, server rehosting due to lag, practice session before match. There.. 2 hours a day for gaming when i barely had time to do my daily portions.

I sleep by 10-10.30 .. or max 11. I mite sit up late if i am chattin wit my friends. else no. I dont, DEFINITELY , study after 10 pm. So the only time I have is 7-9 when I am home. and i am not allowed to sit infront o the comp after 10.30 usually. so there u go.. do the math. I HAVEN'T BEEN STUDYIN A WORD. since jan.

the end result - i failed in 4 outta 6 papers. My WORST performance. one tat i am DEFINTELY NOT proud off. I have never been this bad at exams. mainly its cuz I am a person who grasps topics easily and to get a pass or even 60% .. i need to jus pay attention to class lectures. atleast tats the way its been for the last 18 yrs .. since i started my LKG. 18, is it? aah.. anyways. ( i havent failed a year yet.. so make the correct count.. :P) ..
.. and this is exactly the reason for my poor performance THIS sem. never been payin attention to class. distracted. and upset over few things.

Now, watever has happened has happened. I am glad my parents and teachers have been really supportive of me and are helping me get over all this. I have started studying. really.
today i am taking a break. Sitting down. reading a book - "the case for faith". My friend gave this to me. Seems like she felt there were a few things wrong in my "god blog". Interesting book. Jus 40 pages into it. I already have a few questions of my own.. tat I think the author has missed out on. Maybe he does indeed asks those q's and find answers. Let me see. YEAH!.. I WILL BLOG abt tat after I am thru. Expect tat one by 9th o april.

Listening to "I still havent found wat i am looking for" by u2. Nice song. Neat, meaningful lyrics. I dunno .. having this addiction to lyrics these days. Been listenin to rather more o soft songs than my usual dose o heavy metal. I am changing all over. and I am only happy tat I am doing it myself. Have understood my mistakes, learnt em, now correcting the same.

"
I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
"
- U2.

btw, I WILL be back in gaming the DAY my final year exams are over. and I am going to raise hell.

: ) > -
the >:) signing off.

March 2, 2006

Breakpoint function

So, are you breathing

Wake up, are you alive
Will you listen to me
I'm gonna talk about some freaky shit now
Someone is gonna die
When you listen to me
Let the living die, Let the living die

   (voices - disturbed)

Frustration! anger.. i dunno what i am feeling...

Nothin has been rite for a few days now.. horrible weather... UNBELIEVABLY UNUSUALLY BORING CLASSES ... bad time all around.. ( a few things i am not mentioning here as well)... and today was another BLEAAAAGRRH of a day.. my god.. going totally insane...

Push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I am today...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
Aaaaaaaah!

Perfect! ... I am going insane.. life aint fair... ya.. many mite say its not.. and tat we have to fight it.. watever.. true.. but this isnt JUS UNFAIR.. its GROSSLY unfair... NOW don ask me why... i am fixing it up...

there is another blog i am workin on... tat wil come up later..
this one is jus to put my anger out...

today went playin ... MY god.. i dunno.. FRIGGIN ADL or STUPID NEW MICROSOFT KEYBOARD... it JUS WUDNT respond even as much as my prev broken keyboard wud (which i had used.. no... slammed around for the last 2 years) ...

then another thing - the STUPID MORONIC OFFICE Staff wont get me my marklists attested. okai.. the reason - simply put - for my GRE thingy...

then the bus strikes.. omFg.. all this is CRAZY.. wat the hell is wrong wit everything??

me all off the hook... pray no1 comes arguing wit me over the net now... atleast for today... else he/she is a goner... :| ...

(yup.. this one is very random ... and i usually don lose my cool... but rite now.. i have no idea wat i am abt to do the very next second... )

All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the thing I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

Rarely i am like this... and its not going good... not helping...

oh well.. jus a blog to release the madness..

>:)>-!!

Can't you imagine how good going through this will make you feel
I promise, no one will ever know
There will be no chance of you getting caught
They never loved you anyway
So come on, be a man

NO.. i am rarely like this..... :-< 
And do what I are compelled to do